Monday, 16 July 2018

I'm much too fast to take that test

I abandoned this blog for the most superficial of reasons: I liked it exactly how it was. The posts previous to this one really mean something to me, particularly the entry about Their Mortal Remains. I felt reluctant to push those entries down into the depths so they were no longer on the front where they rightfully belonged. So I left it, a snapshot in time. But as this is my favourite blog I've ever created filled with my favourite entries, I began to think that surely it's a shame to end it there and cut myself off from making future entires I'm as proud of?

Cath Kidston x Disney Alice in Wonderland dress

Lately I've felt like I want to burn my closet and start again from scratch. I'm so bored of my style, but feeling impulsive and bored is never a wise combination. I've always gone through phases in my life, so I guess it's really nothing new. There was the boho phase, the grunge phase, the goth, the EGL. I'm reluctant to describe my vintage wearing as a phase seeing as it's been such a huge part of my life for over six years now. But as about 90% of my wardrobe is vintage, prehaps I just went too hard and now I need to go home.

Lately I find myself browsing Lolita brand websites again, pinning Mori and Dolly Kei images, and lusting for all things earth toned. I'm reclaiming old interests such as animated films and childrens literature, old loves which I'd drifted from. Cath Kidston's latest Disney collection proved lethal to the point where I felt directly targeted - Alice has always been my favourite to the point my entire online identity used to be carved from it, and the Cath Kidston style is just the aesthetic I've been coveting lately.

Cath Kidston x Disney Alice in Wonderland dress

Half of the issue is exactly in what I've just stated - I base my entire online presence around one particular thing and water the rest of myself down. It's difficult not to when so much of blogging and social media is about finding your 'niche' and promoting just that and becoming boringly predictable. It's a method that's always lacked authenticity to me as no one is that one sided, and yet it's a trap I still fall into myself. I'm bored of my old blog and my Instagram as no one cares if it's not vintage I'm posting about, and that just feels sad and hollow to me. I long to express myself fully and embrace all of my interests - the Disney, the J-fashion, the kitsch, the spooky, and the vintage. Which I think is why I've felt so wistful these past months for the old version of me. Because I used to embrace every aspect of myself, but somehow got lost along the way.

In line with that I've been giving my online life a bit of an overhaul. My YouTube channel has had a makeover and I'm aiming to ease it into a fully art based direction as art channels have been my favourite to watch since I discovered them. I've also started a new Instagram account, which I hope to be less curated, where the only 'theme' is myself. I've also begun a new art blog, as I really feel I'd rather base myself around that aspect of my personality. I crave to be known for the work I put my heart and soul into, and less for what I wear and what I buy. I'm not sure when I became so materialistic, but it's uncomfortable and needs to stop.

I've considering taking a bit of a break from all social media except for blogging and YouTube - just a week or so to reset myself. It's alarming how much time I waste scrolling, and how little time I spend doing the things that matter to me, such as reading books, drawing, and writing from my heart. Yet more features of my old self I hope to reconnect with.

Cath Kidston x Disney Alice in Wonderland dress

2 comments:

  1. I also dislike how niche online personalities can become. I feel like I am always struggling with my blog and what it should be, because I have so many interests and want to talk about them all, but then it seems kind of all over the place and cluttered so I've just stuck to posting travel pictures lately. But I definitely find it much more interesting when people don't stick to the same blog topics and just blog about whatever they feel like. So go for it! I am hoping to do the same!

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    1. I'm exactly the same! On the one hand I have so many things I want to talk about and share, and on the other I like when my blog looks a certain way so I impose my own rules. But I love when other bloggers post whatever they like regardless of "theme" as it feels more personal, so it's all contradictory!

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